I thought I'd be friendly and helpful by supplying some scenarios that could make or break a strong relationship, and suggesting solutions to avoid disaster. Some scenarios are common place but can be mishandled unnecessarily, others are a little more unique but could be helped by some suggestions. This come from a small pocket of experience, and a keen interest in the happiness of friends.
- On holiday? By the sea? If you find yourself in open water, or indeed in water that is deeper than both of you, with a partner who is not a strong swimmer, it is advisable to help him or her when they are having a mild panic attack. Physically pushing them away because you don't fancy protecting your supposed loved one could end in disaster. Death perhaps. Instead, gently calm them down, offer a supportive arm and let them get used to the alien situation so that you can both enjoy the water.
- Is your partner sick or injured? It is a good idea to spend a couple of hours looking after them. Maybe make a lemon, honey and ginger concoction, perhaps give them a head massage, or just spending a couple of hours with them in the week that they are off work because they are in so much pain or discomfort shows that you are not entirely selfish and do, in fact, care for more than yourself. Because you can't be bothered to get yourself across town to see them once during their time of woe is an indication that you're not good enough for them, and you should probably think about breaking up so that they can be with someone better, or spend some time as a single person. This is especially true if they always spend the time caring for you when you need it.
- Is your partner scared of spiders? In a situation where your partner is cleaning and s/he comes across a spider that she cannot bare to touch but doesn't have the heart to send to the body of the vacuum, it's probably best not to shout at her/him and terrify her/him even more, prompting another form of panic attack and wondering why they are crying. Having an irrational fear is, well, something that cannot be explained, so if you don't have that fear, then maybe you could deal with it yourself in a humane way so that the scenario can be moved on from together.
- Just had a lover's tiff at a party in the dodgy end of town? Don't leave your partner in said dodgy area alone. Solution? Be a little sensible and stick together. Leaving them on their own in a compromising area is another sign that you are weak and selfish and should try and end it on a note of strength, letting them get on with their lives by finding someone who is good enough for them.
- Get to know your partner! What are they like when they are tired? Do they need some space? Do they need a coffee? Learn the signals, or listen when they say 'I'm tired', so that you can co-exist in harmony. Trying to force them into an excitable mood because that's the way you want them to be at that time is stupid. You are stupid. Even if you have just arrived on that exciting holiday together, and your partner isn't dancing around, it doesn't mean they are not happy to be there - it means they are tired. Buck up and stop being selfish. We're all individuals and deal with things differently.
- Just gone on holiday and won't speak to your partner over the telephone for the two weeks that you're away because you need space? Without advising them that you need space? Don't expect them to embrace you lovingly on your return. You made a mistake and need to make amends.
- Are your friends making bitchy little remarks about your partner? Are they being cold and unwelcoming? A good thing to do in this situation is to take hold of your partner's hand to offer them support, and to show your friends that you love your partner. Eventually, they may warm up and your partner will feel more relaxed and happy to be there, and they can start enjoying each other's company. If they remain cold, then unfortunately, you've got some shit friends with a superiority complex, and you may need to consider making alternative choices.
- Does your partner try and have a conversation with you about the NHS/Tory vs Labour/nuclear energy/London's bicycle lanes/environmental concerns/problems in the Congo...? Do you know nothing about any of this? Read a paper or two then. There are many newspapers and online sources that offer insight into all of the above and more. If you continue to only read sources from the paper of the town you come from, you're going to be limited, a little stupid and very dull.
- Does your partner make suggestions about going on holiday together? Are you holding back because you believe they wish you to cough up the money? This is probably not the case. A good response would be to consider the ideas and the options, ask what they want to get out of the holiday, and consider a time span that would enable you both to afford it. If you suspect that they wish you to pay, then the only way this can be clarified is if you talk to them about it. If you say nothing whatsoever and allow your partner to think that you don't want to go simply because you don't want to pay for them then you are a nasty and unreasonably high handed person, who has problems communicating.
Nine is my lucky number, so I'll hold it there. The points addressed come from a few things that I've seen, which are much more easily addressed retrospectively. Normally, you don't expect your partner or your friend's partner to be wholly selfish or cruel, so sometimes scenarios don't exist until you break them down in the future. But I think these are basic items that address flawed characteristics in human nature - how selfish are they? How narrow minded are they? How pretentious are they and the friends?
We're all flawed beings, but there are extremes that are not quite acceptable. Learning a balance is nothing but a good thing - nothing is ever perfect, but things can usually be better. And we should all remember to open our eyes, otherwise we miss those things that are wonderful, and the people who care and behave like they care, too.
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